The Return of Swamp Thing ~1989

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Lucky plant man holding heather

The Return of Swamp Thing , or swamp thing 2, or whoo hoo Heather locklear in the swamp.  This movie is stupid, and if wasn’t for Ms locklear and your hawtness on screen I would have skipped this movie for sure.

This movie again stars Dick Durock yes that is his real name and the swamp thing, with Louis Jourdan as Dr. Anton Arcane. Yes I thought he was killed off as well in the first movie, but its bad movies and plot holes that get you each time.

Ms Locklear plays a bubble head niece of Dr Arcane, that has to go visit uncle A in the swamp.  This swamp is bad ass it has all sorts of critters err actors in rubber suits.  These critters are Dr Arcane creations gone wrong but swampee is here to save us all.

I’m not lying when I stay this is a crapper of a movie either.

This movie only grossed :: $192,816 (USA).

Rated PG-13 for on screen lameless, exploding heads and sexy busty women.

3.0 on the crapper scale!  -0.5 just for having hwatness on the screen.

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What About Bob ~ 1991

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whatbob

Ya, what about bob?


What About Bob ~ 1991
What the bob, what the puck?  Starring Bill Murray (Bob) , Richard Dreyfuss (Dr. Leo Marvin) and directed by Frank Oz.  We all expected so much more from this movie and it grossed over $60 million!  Holy Bob!!! I mean Mr Oz you brought us Miss piggy, Spies like us, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Master Yoda! . But this piece of crap about a obsessive-compulsive Bob (Murray) whom is spot on as  (wait for it) himself!  Go figure he plays Bob , its should be just called Who gives a shit Bill, or OMG Bill is here, or Rocky 27 Dr. Leo Marvin beat the shit out of Bob .  I could barely stand Murray in Ghostbusters, and love his whoopies you dead in Zombieland but meh this one falls into the ego selfcenteredness you play all to well on the golf course, on interviews and in person.  Too bad that Dryfuss plays the psychiatrist instead of someone actually funny like , umm Mr Ed.  The doctor and his family attempt to vacation until Bill, I mean Bob shows up and can’t take NO for an answer.  I think a roll of duct-tape and  a cane lashing would have fixed that issue real quick! I mean poking fun at someone whom I can’t stand to be around or people with mental health issues is one thing, but this movie is a slap in the face to comedies and majorly lame

2.5 Crappers for What was Frank Oz thinking. but -1 just because Yoda used the force on me.

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Kazaam ~ 1996

Kazaam  ~ 1996

From writer and director Paul Michael Glaser (Starsky & Hutch tv series) this movie is no Genie in a bottle by any means.  A modern boombox genie played by non other than Shaquille O’Neal whom grants the wishes of a would be emo (Max) played by Francis Capra.  The story is pretty sappy and Shaq you missed again like many of your free-throws.  I can’t believe you got contracted to do multiple movies, how did that work out?  (insert your gut busting laughter here).  Well max is picked on, his dad is puke, his life is a mess, he is a emo just waiting for someone to save him, in poof mr boombox genie is hear to grant every wish for a brat that wants everything for himself.  I say brat because piles of manna from heaven in this movie is candy and crap, but Max does turn mr Shaq-foo into a free genie in the end.

On the crapper err Shaqer scale you get a 2.5 on the crapper.

Thanks to @ashbuckles for the inspiration on this one.

Rated PG for action violence and language.

Shaq again step off the free-throw line and breeve (well thats what is sounds like when you say the word breath).

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Starship Troopers 3: Marauder – 2008

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Starship Troopers 3: MoreCrapper

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder – 2008

OMG a 3rd starshit troopers?  This one even has a musical number in it, What the f…??  Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien) is brought back to fight the bugs out to destroy the human race.  This time the humans will kick some bug ass with wearable mechs, but you gotta get naked to wear the mech suit, so again you get got see bar backsides and chests.  The CG is this more is horried, the story is trash, and Casper Van Dien doesn’t help this sci-fi bucket of crap.   Go back to the original if you like the brain bug slime, nudity and sci-fi gore.

Rated R for violence, language and some nudity (thats from imdb, there is alot of nudity).

3 Crapper movie:

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Kung Pow: Enter the Fist – 2002

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Kung Poop Chicken anyone ?

Kung Pow: Enter the Fist – 2002

Steve Oedekerk you brought us Jimmy Neutron, Bruce Almighty, ok I give you that.  Then those campy puppet Thumb movies!  This movie is a martial arts spoof (no der!) where the chosen one (Steve) sets off the avenge the death of his parents. The chosen one faces many odds including a Kung-Fo cow with bullet-time milk.  Steve and his crew manage to take a 1970’s Karate movie and make it worse by inserting their own dialog, sound effects, farts and a decent composting of a skinny white guy to be the Chosen One.  This kick in the balls is only funny if you had a few Kung Poops put in your face and you got high from the lack of oxygen.

Rated PG-13 for comic violence, crude and sexual humor.

Kung Pow earns 2 crappers and a kick in the balls

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They Call Me Bruce? – 1982

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This Bruce got his ass kicked

They Call Me Bruce? (1982)

also know as A Fistful of Chopsticks…

What happens when you are geeky Korean that is mistaken to be Bruce Lee (whom is Chinese)? You get asked to take on the mob, just to get your ass kicked repeativily in this dumb piece of comedy.

It’s been years since I watched this movie and in fact I only watched it once as it that dumb even for the junior high humor I usually  enjoy.

This little chopper earns 1 crapper.

There is no MPAA rating, but consider it a PG movie for slapstick violence and a few cuck cuck poo poo words.

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My Name Is Bruce – 2007

nameisbruce

Bruce is a total ass in this movie, and is so fitting

My Name Is Bruce (2007)

Bruce Campbell plays , guess who Bruce Campbell!  When trailer park trash worship Ash (Bruce played Ash in several campy and successful movies) when all hell breaks loose.   Directed by Bruce Champbell, staring Bruce Champbell.  Hmm I wonder if they should have called this movie ‘they call me.. Tim…?’

You can see the strings the blue screen, but being too obvious doesn’t always work , and surly makes this mess of a movie worth about the cost of the film stock papered to the outhouse wall.

This crapper was never in wide release, but here are some of the numbers.

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Budget:

$1,500,000 (estimated)

Opening Weekend:

$16,432 (USA) (2 November 2008) (1 Screen)

Gross:

$173,066 (USA) (14 December 2008)

Rated R for language and some violence.

1.5 crappers

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Norbit – 2007

Norbit one fat crapper

Norbit (2007)

Eddie Murphy is Norbit , he is Rasputia  the fat tub of lard, he is Mr Wong. This movie is wong!  Rasputia is an over weight over sexed abusive woman, that takes on Norbit a geeky guy for her own.  Although she sleeps around and I mean around, she is abusive to Norbit and trys to control every aspect of his live.  Norbit does wise up and tell’s Rasputia where she can stick it in the end.  Norbit does make friends but not with us.  This movie is too much like the trashy Klump characters and the bathroom humor get old real fast in this Movie.   You really have to like Eddie Murphy potty humor, racism and a 500lb woman in a bikini thong ‘how you doing?’.  I wonder how many more movies Mr Murphy will don a ‘fat suit’ in?  Enough all ready!

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Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual humor, some nudity (a huge ass) and language. (edited for re-rating)

3 crappers

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Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant – 2009

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Vampires sucked but didn't....

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant – 2009

This crapper stars John C. Reilly (taladega night) and the lead vampire or does he? Josh Hutcherson plays Steve Chris Massoglia who plays Darren Shan, Salma Hayek , Orlando Jones.  You would thing that with Hayek and Jones the Reilly this might be a decent movie, NOT!

Darren and Steve attend a freak show, and get played as dumb shit teenager (ya who would have thought).  Needless to say Steve the smart ass gets bit by a spider and does not turn into the web slinging super hero but goes back as wants to be a freak, a vampire a creature of the night.  Are you kidding me?  Ya bury me, kill me I hope I come back. This movie should have died right there, then later you see Ms. Hayek (growl).  Alas not such a great movie, the hype and preview prior to its release made me wonder if it would be worth the $8 to see it, well I watch it on-demand recently and well even that wasn’t worth much

2 Crappers:

Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense supernatural violence and action, disturbing images, thematic elements and some language.

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Wrongfully Accused – 1998

Wrongfully Accused Yet another Leslie Nielsen
crapper.

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This time around the movie poke ‘fun’ at the Fugitive, North by North West and the Naked Gun Movie (also staring Mr Nielsen), Braveheart, and River Dance (wth??). Tiatanic really? . This time its the one armed, one legged, one eyed bartender who done it!  Do you got’s to know punk?  Although  Richard Crenna character Lieutenant Fergus Falls its actually funny and sarcastic.  There is a classic line in the movie ‘This is where smart end, and dead begins’, well frankly that was right after the opening credits.

Wrongfully also stars Kelly Lebrock (Weird Science), but with a pumped up Collagen face and about an extra pounds, Melinda McGraw and Michael York (Logan’s Run) wrap of the head cast as this movie again heads into Neilson stupidity.

2 Crappers and a pull my finger.

Rated PG-13 for sex-related humor and language.

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