Laserblast ~ 1978

Laserblast

Cover of "Laserblast"

Cover of Laserblast

Young Billy Duncan  (Kim Milford) finds a strange device, a weapon from a crashed space ship.  He become evil, gross looking and zombie like and endd up vaporizing those that gave him shit.  Pretty much I wrote more about this movie that what is on IMDB.  This movie is pretty rare, has been on late night TV a few times since is release in 1978.  If you haven’t heard of it, you haven’t missed much.

The sad thing here is both stars of the movie have all ready died.  Kim passed away in 1988 and was only 37 years old.  His co-star Cheryl Smith died in 2005 at the age of 47.  Just strange that a movie that is crappy like this has actors that aren’t around to ask them why they were in it or what they though about the this lame 1970s sci-fi horror zombie freak cross-over movie.

Shrug.  3 crappers on this one guys!

 

 

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Mom and Dad Save the World ~ 1992

Mom and Dad Save the World

Mom and Dad Save the World

Mom and Dad Save the World (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

Or do they?  Think of a movie with oversized puppets, brightly colored sets and Jon Lovitz.  Yup this movie has that.  Emperor Tod Spengo  (Lovitz) wants to blow up the world, Teri Garr (mom), and Jeffrey Jones (dad)  are sucked into this strange world of WTF to save the world.  I must say for once Jeffrey Jones isn’t playing a asshole for a character, just a dumb ass, funny thing is the characters name is DICK .

The movie is pretty bad, but you can make it to the restroom before you have an accident.  We rate this 2.5 crappers.  Hope you don’t go through what we did watching this. Speaking of which I need to change my depends..

[amazon_enhanced asin=”B0007TKNEW” container=”” container_class=”” price=”All” background_color=”FFFFFF” link_color=”000000″ text_color=”0000FF” /]

 

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Orgazmo ~ 1997

Orgazmo

Orgazmo

Image via Wikipedia

omfg… really?

The same ass hats the brought you southpark, BASEketball, Team America: World Police..

Comes, or cums Orgazmo!  A worthless piece of crap movie about a Moromon Missionary (Parker) needing to make money and becomes a porn star and his alter ego of Orgazmo.

This movie isn’t a porn other than the fact you want to strip off your clothes and run out of the house naked!  Wow  lame, potty mouth teenager could have written, directed and produced this movie.  Trey Parker likes to insult anyone and everyone in this movie.

If could summerize the plot.  Garbage, bad dialog, Ron Jeremy, wana-be humor and lame as hell disco style music.

This one gets a royal flush.  Don’t waste your time …

 

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Night of the Living Dorks ~ 2004

Night of the Living Dorks

[amazon_link id=”B000KJTFHA” target=”_blank” ]Eat this movie now[/amazon_link]

living dorks

Dorks Eat everything

rant

Staring…

Tino Mewes

Manuel Cortez

Thomas Schmieder

Zombies from high school that are geeks err dorks get the last laugh of flesh.  They don’t eat brains they eat everything else including members of the football team, the cheerleading squad and the coach!

Peices of the dorks falls off, and the favorite word in this movie is shit.  So over used it describes this movie to a tee.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1031324/

Even worse this movie was not in English so the audio was dubbed in, make it more campy that every!

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Hack ~ 2007!

[amazon_link id=”B000WC38GY” target=”_blank” ]Buy This Movie[/amazon_link]hack! imdb

Hack em up highschool

Hack! No it not a hacker movie. Its a crapper movie!

Don’t cheat in school, don’t party and don’t make out when there is a madman around with a chainsaw.  Hack! is a horrible attempt at a high school sexploitation slasher movie.  Then again never sign up for a Island field trip either.  It sure didn’t improve your grade and having your body parts removed during a sex scene, hmm?

Staring Danica McKellar (The Wonder Years), William Forsythe
,Jay Kenneth Johnson
(days of our lives).  Hack! is a hack and slash gorefest with a weak plot, no on screen energy and  fake blood by the gallon.

Crapped hack 2.5 on the scale

Rated R for strong horror violence and gore, nudity, sexuality, language and drug use.

Budget
$2,000,000 (estimated)

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Going Overboard ~ 1989

[amazon_link id=”1573625574″ target=”_blank” ]Don’t buy This movie[/amazon_link]goingoverboard

Going overboard blech

Going Overboard…. over overboard! drown..

Staring Burt Young
(Rocky), Adam Sandler,Scott LaRose.

A very young Adam Sandler (Schecky Moskowitz) is a comedian , oh really?  Well he is struggling to make a name for himself and winds up working on cruise-ship  as a putz.  So really he plays Adam Sandler as Adam Sandler.

The punch lines are non existent, if you are a Sandler fan you wont like this movie at all. This movie has several productions issues, like the film aboard a ship that was used for a beauty pagent, the wrong lens was brought for the cameras and basicly crappy story line put Going Overboard to going.. going.. gone!

3.0 on the crapper scale.

Rated R for language, brief nudity, crappy acting and Adam Sandler’s fails for his first feature length movie.

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Totally Baked: A Pot-U-Mentary ~ 2007

[amazon_link id=”B000W04S1U” target=”_blank” ]Smoke this movie[/amazon_link]totally baked

Totally drugged stupid movie


Totally Baked: A pot-u-mentary

Craig Shoemaker (narrator/ Stoners mind), Lee Abbott , Franklyn Ajaye, Michelle Alexandria.. This movie should be called a stetch or and endorsement to the pot culture.  This entire movie is full of stupid pot related stories, f*bombs, and nudity.  Why?  Because pot-heads always get the hot models and have millions of dollars to waste because of their high paying jobs.  Wait what, no they are 40 years old and moved back in with their mom and smell like the pee in the underwear!

Totally baked is a pot already, but one you piss in.  This is a waste of screen time and paid actors.

Rated R: for Drug you (no shit), nudity, sexual situation, bad acting and crappyness.

3.5 almost got a royal flush!  herbs this is not.

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Doom ~ 2005

[amazon_link id=”B001M9ELOY” target=”_blank” ]Buy this Movie[/amazon_link]Doomed Movie..

Doomed Movie

DOOM was Doomed from the start.  There has always been a problem with movies based on video/computer games.  They all seem to suck.  Well Doom lives up to this as well.  Based on one of the best selling computer games of all times, Doom brings us Dwayne Johnson aka the Rock (Sarge) {Tooth Fairy, WWF as the Rock), Rosamund Pike (Surrogates, Die Another Day), Karl Urban (Star Trek, Red).

Space is a great place to fail in the movies.  Doom sends marines to Mars to investigate strange finding, and well all hell break loose to say the least.  Sarge (The Rock) only concern is to kick ass and take names, but forget the names he would rather kill em all and let God sort them out.  Karl Urban plays John whom happens to be named similar to John Carmack the co-founder of ID software the makers of the video game Doom.  There is a even a 5 minute DOOM view of the video game play when John zones out.  This happens to be the best part of the movie to be honest, and fans of the game will surly love that homage to the video game as well.

The demise of this movie is three fold.  ‘Based on a video game’, bad acting, and a 100 minute commercial for a video game.

Crapper rating 2.5.

Rated R for cursing, gore, sci-fi violence and the Rocks attempt to say B.F.G

Scores a 2.5 on the Doom crapper scale.

Stats:  (source IMDB)

Budget:
$60,000,000 (estimated)
Opening Weekend:
$15,488,870 (USA) (23 October 2005) (3043 Screens)
Gross:
$28,031,250 (USA) (27 November 2005)


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Killer Klowns from Outer Space ~ 1988

[amazon_link id=”B00005K3O4″ target=”_blank” ]Buy this Movie[/amazon_link]kklown

Lame Klown eat cotton candy people

Killer Klowns From outer-space (yes  with a K).

Staring John Vernon (Animal House), Grant Cramer (The Young and the Restless) , Suzanne Snyder
(Weird science). The plot is simple, what may have been a meteroid falls to earth is actually a clown space ship that lands in a small town America.  Tag line : Horrific Harlequins with an appetite for close encounters! Ha ha , the townfolk are in for it, these kowns will wrap you in cotton candy like a black widow spider and suck you juices.  Yum Yum.

Typical late 80s horror comedy, with electronic rock music, curse words and horrible acting.  What else can you ask for in a movie about klowns that would scare even the likes of Predator.

Rated R for horrid acting violence, several f*bombs and klownage.

2.5 on the crapper scale. Fear the klowns.

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South Beach Academy ~ 1996

[amazon_link id=”B000EHSVH8″ target=”_blank” ]Buy this movie[/amazon_link]Southbeach

Move out of the way corey

South Beach Academy.

Ok so how many boobs can you get on the screen at once?  Let’s see there is Corey Feldman, Al Lewis
and oh ya many Bikini glad ladies that look like they just stepped out of the bodyshop to be in this stupid sexploitation movie that is nothing more than a music video.  I kid you not take out all the nudity and rock music and you would have a 30 minute movie of Feldman trying to look cool in southern california.

Seriously from a weak storyline to a rock video style girl pulling her top off to show off the fake ‘ladies’  I doubt this movie has any real woman in it other than the fish in the ocean.  I forget what the plot line is in this movie as it just trash.  The tagline of This Year’s Student Body Is Shaping Up. make no sense  what students ?  No one has a brain in this movie.

Rated R for pervasive nudity and some sex scenes.  Sex scenes  Ya topless models dancing to music like it was a rock video!  many times over ..

3.0 on the crapper scale on this one.  boooo.  wait boooobs, wont cut it for this crapfest.

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